For the most part I ignore fashion. It changes constantly and unpredictably and has absolutely no relevance to my (and probably your) everyday life. It seems to be the only industry where everybody is both right and also very wrong, even though the only thing that changes between those states is the time. Often the wrongness far outweighs the rightness, as all high school yearbooks amply illustrate.
Which it is why it was such a surprise to me that when I realized that was building a list of terrible, terrible fashion things that should have long ago lined the bottoms of land fills. And somehow, these things haven’t. They roam the earth moaning visually, trying to chew on the brains of normal, jet-lagged people. (This all came to me in an airport.) And for the sake of humanity, these offending stylistic elements really must come to a quick (and hopefully painful) end.
Ok, so onto my list of things that always have and always will look stupid, and my lower your IQ points just by being nearby.
1.) Mullets. I thought it’d be good to start with an easy one. I know the saying “business in the front, party in the back”. I say why be conflicted? Pick the side that works for you and go with it. Be honest, you’re not doing much actual business anyways. And to help you out, long hair is not on this list, so you’re free to go that way.
2.) Old Hippie Hair. This is basically the male-pattern-baldness mullet. The wearer really, really wants long hair, but he lost the life’s hair-genes lottery. So he grows what little he does have. I understand, but stop it, its just sad. And no, putting those 5 gray locks in a wispy gray pony tale fixes nothing. Shave it and be a man.
3.) Spray-On Jeans. You may have thought the days of jeans 2 sizes too small were happy in their place back in the 80′s. You’d be wrong. I personally witnessed, as I was typing this post on my crackberry, jeans that were more revealing than a micro 2-piece bikini. This horrifying display left less to the imagination than a college anatomy text book.
4.) “Distressed” Anything. Thankfully, it seems that this annoying trend may be beginning to fade, but it isn’t gone yet. I have no problems with old worn and faded jeans; they’re great, but why on earth does anybody want to wear jeans that make it look like you spend your days dragging your ass across gas station pavement? Worse still are the dirtied jeans. Evidentially it’s trendy to look like you just changed your car’s oil. And we’re all buying the idea that 13-year old teenage girls are draining oil pans. Oh yeah, that’s hot.
5.) Ragged Hair. Right now I’m thinking about that goofy looking chick on the dancing Intel ads. The one with not a single hair the same length, and random sections much longer than others. Sorry, it looks like shit. And nope, it doesn’t work with your interesting or unusual facial features, don’t even ask. This commercial isn’t the first time I’ve seen this, but it is the most annoying and easily assessable example.
6.) Plain Red Ball Caps. You’re not Limp Bizkit, take the stupid thing off and comb your hair. I don’t even remember how long it’s been since Limp Bizkit was good. Are they even still a band?
7.) Cock-Eyed Hats. OK, you’re a gangster, but are you really that hopped up on Cristal and coke that you can’t put your hat on right? (It occurs to me that the goal may well be to irritate people like, and if so, goal accomplished! Watch me cross the street to avoid your crazy unconventional hat.)
8.) Alternative Cowboy Hats. Especially on women. Has anybody ever thought that a furry pink cowboy hat looked good on anything but an otherwise naked stripper? (Even then it’s really just in the way.) And cowboy hats with the brims rolled up (or down) just tells me that you really wanted to wear a baseball cap but couldn’t find one. Find one. I don’t care for cowboy hats to begin with, but they have their place out in the field on guys riding horses and slinging hay bales. If you’re not partaking in one of those activities, do your self a favor and take the silly mangled thing off.
9.) Big Bulky Boots. Now here’s where I’m breaking new ground. Let me be on the record as the first to say that the big, bulky and often furry boots that seem to be the new trend are amazingly stupid looking. (These actually aren’t new, they’re pretty much the same kind of ugly insulated boots kids wore in the early 80′s.) You may not agree with me now, but just wait a year or two, you will. I was right about parachute pants back in the day, and I’ll be right about this.
10.) Tramp Stamps. Nothing says “open for business” like a tattoo on the lower back. Unless you’re rubbing up against a pole on a stage for singles don’t tattoo your lower back. And don’t say you did it for yourself- you can’t see it back there. But if you absolutely must have one, might I recommend a beer coaster design?
11.) Rat Tails. This is the ultimate, ancient, cars-up-on-blocks haircut. Nothing says pit-stained wife beater and 40 oz of malt liquor more concisely than a long, wavy patch of 15 hairs hanging limply from the back of your head (even better than the shirt and the liquor itself). I remember when these first appeared, and I can’t believe that I still see them 20 plus years later.
12.) Gigantic Hoop Earrings. It’s really hard to discuss these and not be off-colored enough to make a drunk pirate captain blush. I think it’s best to refer you back to the Tramp Stamp and let you make the connections.
Well, if my work here eliminates just one of these 12 evils, I’ll be a happy man. If not, well, I guess I’ll be quietly resentful whenever I spend a day in airport lounges. The rest of the time, I’m too well rested and busy to be bothered that much. Don’t hesitate to comment if you have some items you’d like to add to the list for me to grumble about in transit.
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