Fighting Off Abe And The Beave With Kiwi

You don’t have to look like this to be a good I.T. consultant.Sleep deprivation is funny. I don’t make the rules, it just is. Don’t believe me? How else could you explain the knock-out pill commercials featuring a cantankerous, news paper-reading beaver and a vaguely injured Abe Lincoln? And don’t tell me you haven’t spent at least one all-nighter laughing your ass off every time your lack of coordination broke the lead off the end of your pencil. Nights like that are what college is all about. That and hot co-eds. Nights without sleep, laughing outside the windows of hot co-eds. (I kid, I never did that. The windows were too high off the ground.)

Anyway! Last night I experienced full-blown insomnia. So today I’m about as sleep deprived as they come. I can’t even make it to the coffee pot in the break room in a single trip. Take for instance, my last trip for hot wake-up juice. I grabbed a Kiwi and headed for the break room, playing catch with the weird fuzzy fruit as I walked down the hall. As it turns out, kiwis, while fully functional as a fruit (and semi-functional as a baseball), are quite deficient when it comes to fluid retention, scoring only mildly higher on that scale than river rocks.

So in the shirt pocket goes the kiwi, and and back to the office go I. Normally all the extra exercise would make me grouchy, but I’m kind of shifting in and out of robotic automaton mode. I’m mentally checking in when things go wrong, like when I try to pour coffee into a kiwi.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the coffee retrieval trilogy. (Yep, 3 round trips, and the kiwi is still in my shirt pocket.) The scary thing is that I’ve been more productive today than any day in the prior week. That can mean one of two things: 1.) I’m a phenomenally good programmer, and I don’t need to actually be awake to solve problems, or 2.) I’m going to have one hell of a mess to clean up tomorrow. The part of me that checks in from time to time has been alerted to the likelihood of scenario 2.

I feel like I should leave you with a few pointers now. So here goes. (Consider the source before taking action on any of these items!)

  1. A diet high in fruit helps make up for a night low in sleep.
  2. Kiwis have poor fluid retention, but are fun to bounce of the ceiling.
  3. Don’t try to pack your lunch if you didn’t sleep the night before.

Have a restful day. :)

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6 Comments

  1. shelbspeaks said,

    May 29, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    Hey, I’ve got you beat…not only am I exahausted from Labor Day weekend, the A/C in our office failed and we’re all sitting in the So. Florida heat – talk about your cocktail for sleepiness. Our ceilings are too high to bounce off kiwis – darn it.

    Check out Christopher Ruddy

  2. Brian said,

    May 29, 2007 at 2:53 pm

    OK, I’ll concede defeat- that sounds like the perfect ingredients for an afternoon coma. Be glad its just a broken A/C and not the heavy hand of someone who apparently generates no body head of their own. Sitting in an office tuned to 98.7 degrees is no way to work either. :)

    Vince Foster? Sounds familiar… Is that a topic we should talk in hushed tones about while shifting eyes back and forth across a dimly lit room? ;)

  3. May 30, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    So Brian…how much code did you have to clean up today?

  4. Brian said,

    May 30, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    Hi Jerry,

    You know, I’m surprised, hardly anything! I guess the kiwi worked! :)

  5. malicenwunderland said,

    June 3, 2007 at 4:04 pm

    well done…but can you write like this on 8 hours sleep?

  6. Brian said,

    June 3, 2007 at 5:57 pm

    Good question malicenwunderland,

    I dunno, one of these days I’ll have to try that out. I’ll be sure to warn people ahead of time. :)


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