If You Name Your Baby After A Plane, You Might Be An Asshole

Why God, why do people name their kids so abominably?I don’t think there’s a better indicator of criminal levels of self indulgence and narcissism than baby names. This morning, as I was staggering in a caffeine-less fog to the break room to get my fix, there were a few people standing around discussing the imminent download of a brand new bundle of joy and noise. The soon to be happy father was telling the lady he was speaking with how he was glad to be a man. You know, the stock nonsense all guys say know whenever pregnancy is being discussed.

Before I get into the meat of the issue at hand, I want you to know I’ve already made plans to handle this scenario. I’ve determined if my wife and I every decide to grace society with a little one-two punch of brains and looks, I’m going to pre-record all of these inane phrases on a little voice recorder. When the subject comes up, I will motion with a finger (not that one) for a moment so I can pull out my pre-recorded statements and press play. And blammo, ten solid minutes of cliche, semi-apologetic, self-deprecating things all guys are required to say whenever the subject of pregnancy and birth comes up. I’ll then whisper that they can drop the recorder off in my office when they’re done. I want you to know this now, so you can plan to make your own 10 minute recording full of “Ohhhs”, “Ahhs” and “Uh Huhs”. That way we can both turn them on, leave them in the break room and get back to work.

So anyway, back to the baby talk. After delivering his charming schtick about reproduction and gender differences, they got onto baby names. The exchange when a bit like this. (I’ve changed the names here to protect, well, myself. But not so much that the point is lost. In the off-chance this guy Googles his kids name, I don’t want him to find this, put two and two together and start a Peter Griffin vs. The Giant Chicken fight with me. It just looks like too much effort.)

The Exchange

Lady: So have you decided what to name her yet?
Dadzilla: Well, we’re not going to commit to it for sure until we fill out the forms, but we like Cessna.
Lady: Oh, Cessna. That’s cute.
Dadzilla: Yeah, we were going to go with Emelia, but then we realized that it’s the name of my brother’s ex-wife. So we were walking through an airplane museum, and it just occurred to us.
Lady: Oh yeah, that’d be bad.
Dadzilla: Yeah, it’d make holidays difficult.
Lady: Isn’t Cessna the name of a character on a TV show?
Dadzilla: I think so, but I’ve never seen it. I wonder if it’s a good or bad character? [This last part a bit louder, probably with the intention that I'd overhear it and fill them in on the characters details if I knew them. I didn't.]
Lady: Hmm, I don’t know either.
Dadzilla: Anyway, I like different, creative names. Different is good.

And I left them there. I had work to do, coffee to drink and staples to drive into the skin between my fingers. On the short hike back to quiet bliss of my office, I was thinking, “you stupid bastard, you’re talking about a person’s name, not a new marketing slogan!” It true, some unfortunate girl will be saddled with the name “Cessna” her entire life. She’ll hear no end of witty innuendo about taking a flight in Cessna and kids will call her “Cessna pool”. (These are just the tip of the iceburg, I came up with these in five minutes, and I’m not even going to school with her.) And why? Because you, dadzilla, are a selfish, self-indulgent asshole. Erin, Mary or Sarah isn’t good enough for you, you want people to hear your baby’s name and tell you how very, very clever you are. Your bundle-in-transit isn’t a pet, if you want to call something Cessna, why don’t you get a poodle?

OK, you knew it was coming. Here, in list form, are Brian’s rules of thumb when it comes to naming your little diaper slayer. Hat tip to fellow-Georgian Jeff Foxworthy (or a blatant rip off, you take your pick) of Blue Collar Comedy Tour fame. (Please note, I’m referring to English first names only, I just don’t know that much about baby names around the world to be fully inclusive with my insults. Feel free to use these as applicable in your culture. Your mileage may vary.)

  • If you name your baby after a plane or any other mode transportation, you might be an asshole. (This one could be universal.)
  • If you give your baby a name that includes punctuation or accent marks, you might be an asshole.
  • If you give your baby a name that includes no vowels, you might be an asshole. (Or you just can’t spell, and then you’re probably a Redneck. Seek Foxworthy’s help with this one.)
  • If you name your baby after rocks, trees, streams or shrubbery, you are a hippie, and probably an asshole too. (Flowers are excluded, it’s just too late to ban them now.)
  • If you give your baby a first name that rhymes with the last name, you are most certainly an asshole.
  • If you give your baby three or more middle names, you might be a pompous asshole. (I’ll allow two, otherwise, we’d have to say J.R.R. Tolkien’s parents were assholes. And that’s borderline nerd-sacrilege.)
  • If you give your baby a name that’s an insult in any language or dialect that uses your alphabet, you’re probably a lazy asshole. (Seriously, you need to do your homework here. To this day, I guy I know named “Wally” cannot travel to the U.K.)

This has been a public service announcement from your friend at Brian’s Random Thoughts. Brought to you by Citizens Against Stupid Monikers.

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11 Comments

  1. June 4, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    Yea, I hear you. I was just talking to my sister, Kidney and we agree with you. her daughters Fallopia and Butt Drizzle go to school with kids who’s names are just ridiculous…I mean like “Mary” and “Tim” for Christ sake!!!

    We also called our other sister, Pillow Case and her rather tomboy-ish daughter, Mack Truck and they just laughed at your post. Thought it was the funniest thing!

    All the best,
    Synaptic Ganglia Anne

  2. Tiffany said,

    June 4, 2007 at 6:46 pm

    The worst thing is that people are so brainwashed by media (not THE media, but just media in general) that they WANT to give their kids crap names because celebrities do it. I can’t help but wonder how those celebrities babies are going to grow up not only with potentially broken homes and drug addictions, but stupid asshole names, as well. Yikes. And then regular Joe Schmucks have to do it, too? Some “normal” names are bad enough!

    *slappy slap slap*

  3. Tiffany said,

    June 4, 2007 at 6:46 pm

    Typing too fast….should have been “celebrities’ babies”

  4. Brian said,

    June 4, 2007 at 11:00 pm

    Thanks both of your for your comments.

    I’m glad you enjoyed my ill conceived rant Syanptic Ganglia Anne, my cousin Rumprattler LeBum also found it comical. (You’re on a roll today with the names between this comment and your post today!)

    Tiffany, I share your shaking fist of irritability directed at the Paris Hilton Press Corps. In fact, I see your shaking fist, and raise you angry incoherent muttering. :) (Oops, I mean, :mad: )

  5. babychaos said,

    June 5, 2007 at 5:54 am

    Cessena? Fricking idiots. Still at least if you go through life called Cessena, Blanket or whatever you don’t have to tell anyone one or both of your parents is a tosser! They’ll work that out for themselves.

    On a lighter note, do you watch Kath and Kim? It’s an Australian comedy show which we get here in the UK, too. Kim is pregnant and tells her mum (Kath).

    “There were some beautiful names at the hospital mum. What about Catheta?”

    “That’s lovely Kimmy.”

    “Yeh and there was Enema.”

    “Why Kimmy! That’s really beautiful.”

    “I also thought about Taylor, spelled T-A-I-G-H-L-U-R-G-H-U, the G and the H and the U are silent.”

    “Aw that’s really lovely, that’s a beautiful name…”

    It goes on, you get the picture… look out for it, Kath and Kim, if you ever get a chance to see it do. It’s brilliant.

    Cheers

    BC

  6. Brian said,

    June 5, 2007 at 11:09 am

    Hi babychaos,
    I’ll keep an eye out for it. My wife is BBC America addict, so if it makes it over here by way of the BBC, she’ll be the first to know!

    Thanks to the marvel that is YouTube, I think I found a clip of the show where they are discussing similar atrocious baby names! I don’t think it’s from the same episode, but I think it’s the same show. Here it is, four your viewing enjoyment (they get to it about 2:30 in):

    Something Stupid – Kim’s Baby 2 (Hmm… apparently you can’t embed YouTube video in comments. That’s kinda lame.)

  7. June 5, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    [...] Baby-Naming Assholes 5 06 2007 Brian’s thoughts on what kind of a person would name their baby after a plane. How about Moxie Crimefighter Jillette? Googling ”Weird Baby Names” brought up this [...]

  8. Joe Drinker said,

    June 6, 2007 at 10:39 pm

    Several years ago I had a client who proudly proclaimed his daughter’s name would be “Scout” upon her birth. Since this was his first child, and, more importantly, because he was a client, and basically paying me to agree with him, I tried to not offend, him. But seriously? Scout?

    I looked him straight in the eye and saying “Hmmm, Scout. Yeah, you’re not famous enough to pull that off.”

    I wonder what he’s doing now?

    Cheers,
    JD

  9. Brian said,

    June 7, 2007 at 11:27 am

    Yeah, I never offer “agreement” as a service with my contracts. My clients pay me to do what they’ve determined they want done. Me telling them that they’re nuts to want a thing done a particular way is what they pay for! :) (Of course, I tell them they’re bleeding mad in the politest, most diplomatic way possible, and I will do something wrong if they want it badly enough…)

    Anyway, good show on honest advice. Hopefully this guy reconsidered and spared his poor child the misery of that moniker.

    Oh yeah, and thanks for the comments! :)

    Cheers!
    Brian

  10. June 17, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    [...] you don’t see it, here’s a hint: In keeping with my love of creatively exploitative children’s names, I shall slap my first child with the moniker “Perfect Wave One”. (Because the previous [...]

  11. February 3, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Our name are sacred and we treasure it very much..that’s why I am encouraging pare4nts to choose a right and great name for their baby because as time goes by your child will become funny to their fellow..


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