Tagged: The Things You Can’t Prove Are Lies

Antoni Gaudi’s Sun MosaicOK, I’m back from the 10th circle of hell. Yeah, you read that right, the 10th circle. You’re quite right, there were only nine circles. Until Saddam Hussein started demanding a corner office in the 9th circle. God he’s such a pain. So the devil gave him his old office and built a whole new circle for himself. And he needed some I.T. help. Of course, the devil likes to work with people who both know they are for sale and know what their price tag is. Naturally, that means he hires consultants.

One recommendation. If you’re on your way to hades, by either handbasket or the regular route, don’t forget your MP3 player and your shades. The eternal shrieks of the damned get sort of grating after a while, like an alarm clock left running by a vacationing neighbor, and the hell fire can get kind of bright. Especially if you’re hung over.

Ah yes, I’ve been tagged. I hope this isn’t the payment the red-horned guy was promising me for my work. You can’t ever count on him paying his invoices as agreed.

The Rules
1.) Post the rules first.
2.) If you are tagged you have to tell your faithful blogging public 8 random facts about yourself in a post on your blog. It can be habits, an idea, facts, or just um… stuff.
3.) At the end of your post, choose eight other bloggers you’d like to know something about and tag them.
4.) Leave a comment telling them you’ve tagged them and that they will need to read your post on your blog.
5.) Bend the rules as convenient. (My special addition!)

The Things You Can’t Prove Are Lies

I. I’ve been published at least twice under different pseudonyms. But before you think back on the articles you’ve recently in major publications, it’s only fair I tell you that once was for an underground high school newspaper and the other was for a slightly more high brow (i.e. pretentious) college literature magazine. I still have both.

II. I started seriously enjoying writing in a high school English class. Fed up with all the essay writing, in irritation I wrote a very antagonistic paper as one of my assignments. The plan was to make reading the assignment as much of a pain as it was to write it. As many of my plans do, it backfired; the teacher loved it and started treating me as though I were literary elite. Being the obnoxious bastard I am, I found that the prospect of writing angry for good grades a win-win proposition. I was brimming with pointless teen angst. I aced the class and was put in the advanced class the following year.

In college, to keep it interesting, I made a point of writing my papers in support of whatever view point I thought my professor disagreed with the most or in favor or anything patently absurd. Somehow my textual nettles continued to be well received. And I got pretty good at supporting the unsupportable. (I should have been lawyer!) I was very Swiftian. (Not to be confused with “Swift Boat“.) Of course, I didn’t know it at the time, I was just being sadistic.

III. My crowning achievement in art of the chafing word was contributing three pieces of poetry/prose to the college literary magazine under an ridiculous pseudonym. The incredibly obnoxious ditties made it in and I had the pleasure of hearing one of the editors angrily discussing their inappropriateness. Ah, good times. :)

IV. I’ve been in a small (four seater!) plane when all the electronics went out. In the clouds. I participated in an emergency line of site landing that involved a tight spiral down through a small hole in low cloud cover. Once down, the problem was diagnosed (pilot error), and we got back on and flew the rest of the way to our destination. Same plane, maybe an hour later. Several people still claim to have the “Oh Shit” email I sent them from my Crackberry while I was in the air. Sadly, I don’t.

V. I started smoking cigars with a friend on the Oregon coast in the middle of the night. We’d leave campus after in the evening after classes and arrive well into the night. On the way we’d stop at the “Mecca of Convenience” and pick up some firewood for a bonfire and whatever cigars they had at the counter. They were horrible in the way you would expect a convenience store cigars to be, but an essential part of the evening. (A better cigar probably wouldn’t have burned worth a damn on those gusty nights.) As was the “flaming manhood”, but that’s a story for another day.

VI. I’ve worn a kilt on numerous occasions, but I’m not going to prove it. That will disappoint at least one occasional reader of this blog, as he wants to submit it for Photoshoping on Fark. But I can tell you that I looked dead-sexy. Especially back when I had long hair. Don’t worry, you would agree. (Even if it required adjustments in your blood-alcohol levels.)

VII. I’d much rather be rich than famous. If I suddenly disappear, you’ll know I got my wish. Either that, or I was crushed under a collapsing stack of cigar humidors.

VIII. I won my wife over with my dance moves. Quit laughing, it’s true. She’ll vouch for it. A friend of mine (and at the time, co-worker) from Nigeria and I were really kicking some ass on the floor of a Malaysian dance club when we were approached by my now wife and her friend. The dancing continued well into the early hours of the morning. And again a few weeks later. The rest is very colorful history.

Honestly, I think nearly everybody I know in the blog world has been tagged already. (I was sooo gonna tag Laurie Kendrick, but somebody got to her first.) And the cigar bloggers I know would probably put their lit Arturo Fuentes out on my arm if I tagged them. In keeping with my new rule to bend the rules for my convenience, I’ll let people tag themselves. Wanna be tagged? Leave a comment, and I’ll update this post to make the tagging official. (Brilliant or lazy, you make the call! ;) )

People who have brought this tagging on themselves

  1. Space Chronicles Tiffany

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13 Comments

  1. JoeDrinker said,

    July 19, 2007 at 4:51 pm

    Tag yourself! Brilliant! I come off looking arrogant, and you look like a philanthropist.

    Good call.

    No tag-backs!

  2. Brian said,

    July 19, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    Thanks JD!

    Somewhere along the way I learned that you can get away with misbehaving if you put it in the right context. Some call it deceit, I like to call it diplomacy. :twisted:

  3. Tiffany said,

    July 19, 2007 at 9:24 pm

    I think I still have a copy of that underground high school document somewhere. Couple, actually.

    No, not asking to be tagged. I wonder if I should. I can’t decide. Somebody decide for me. To be (tagged) or not to be (tagged)? Oh lord, the exquisite anguish!

  4. Brian said,

    July 19, 2007 at 9:57 pm

    <Thunderous Heavenly Voice>Tiffany, thou art tagged!</Thunderous Heavenly Voice>

    Well Tiffany, since a thunderous heavenly voice has said it, I guess I’d better do it. Consider yourself tagged! :)

  5. danariemer said,

    July 20, 2007 at 1:52 am

    Ahhhhh, yes, the Mecca of Convenience. Who can forget. Of course, you neglected to mention the pipe smoking phase. Or, is that taboo in a cigar world?
    Also, I don’t think that I have a copy, but I do remember you and John giggling with glee over the pure drivel that you were able to force into the literary mag. It was “two tired guys”, wasn’t it?

  6. babychaos said,

    July 20, 2007 at 10:28 am

    It’s clear that you and Joe are a couple of the most cantankerous and contrary feckers on the planet… which, of course, is why I love reading your blogs. Good.

    I am pleased both of you have interpreted the Rules correctly – ie any way you bastard well like! ;-)

    Thank you for giving me a few belly laughs on the shittiest, rainest, crappiest day! It’s bloody freezing too, so I need cheering up!

    Cheers

    PS I don’t smoke cigars now but I do have to admit to smoking a pipe as a teenager… no wonder all my teachers thought I was a lesbian!

    BC

  7. Brian said,

    July 20, 2007 at 2:18 pm

    Hey Dana-

    Yes, the Mecca of Convenience, At’s A Pizza and the Inn at Spanish “How is that different than normal” Head. Priceless landmarks.

    No pipe smoking isn’t a verboten topic, I just forgot about it while writing this beast up. And we did start with stogies. And about the pseudonyms- I’ll never tell. :)

    Thanks BC!
    Both cantankerous and contrary? It appears my blog has been a smashing success! :)

    Yeah, come to think of it, I’ve never met a female pipe smoker before. If you like the aromatic pipe tobaccos, you should look into the many botanically “infused” cigars. There’s “ACID” by Drew Estate (no, it doesn’t contain any illegal substances) and Flavors by CAO.

    Cheers!

  8. July 21, 2007 at 11:49 pm

    It would’ve been indeed an honor to have been tagged by someone who A) is published and worn a kilt more on more than one occasion, solely because they “let the boys breathe a little” B) Shat in his own pants at 18 thousand feet–thanks Mr. Pilot and C) busted a move in Malaysia so rhythmically impressive, it prompted nuptials.

    Hope all is well with you and Mrs. H!

    Happy cigaring this weekend, ya’ll!
    Laurie.

  9. Brian said,

    July 22, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    Hi Laurie,

    Things are great, thanks!

    Now I don’t want to prevent you from enjoying the dubious honor of being tagged by yours truly. If you have eight more random tidbits and the desire to put them in prose, let me know, I’ll tag ya! I wouldn’t even have to bend the rules to do so… ;)

  10. James said,

    August 9, 2007 at 9:01 am

    I still say post that picture on Fark – heck – it’s even a better picture than that on Wikipedia.

    And I wouldn’t call it “dead-sexy” either – it was more along the lines of “horrifyingly-hilarious”.

    Of course – you didn’t bring up your “natural porn” picture….

  11. Brian said,

    August 9, 2007 at 11:31 am

    Yeah, the kilt picture on wikipedia is kinda weak.

    Don’t be afraid of your feelings James, you know it was hot. :)

    Ah yes, Natural Porn, that’s a masterpiece. I may have to put that up sometime. Maybe this week.

  12. James said,

    August 14, 2007 at 10:16 am

    heh – You should just do an expose on Kilts and Natural Porn.. get to work.. :)

    -jsg

  13. Brian said,

    August 14, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    James,

    I am working. Shouldn’t you be? :twisted:


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