Who Cares Who Watches The Watchmen

Happy Shootin’ DudeI love superhero movies. And I like them dark. I’ve really enjoyed the recent Batman movies starring Christian Bale. So when I saw the trailers for The Watchmen, I was excited. I’ve never read the comic book the movie is based on, and loved the idea of being introduced to a brand new world of brooding, slightly flawed superheroes.

In the recent surge of superhero movies hitting the big screen, it hasn’t been necessary to have any background whatsoever to enjoy these movies. And in fact, the biggest flaws these movies often have is spending too much time on character backgrounds, and not enough time  on the action we crave. It’s a forgivable offense, they’re trying to make sure we’re all on the same page. Even the folks that are a little slow on the uptake.

Spoiler alert. What is written below may ruin the movie for you, or even convince you not to waste your time seeing this deep-dish slice of Suck smothered in a rich sauce of FAIL they call “The Watchmen.” You have been warned.

The character background was my first clue that The Watchmen was going to be a dreadful movie. Early in the movie there’s a montage that serves to give viewers the scoop on where we are in the movie. A moment or two into this scrapbook-y tour of the past I’m thinking, “Cool, it’s gonna be based in the 40’s or 50’s.” But pages keep turning and character quirks start appearing. OK, one of the heroes is a lesbian. That’s unique. Another is has Bruce Wayne riches, OK, that explains how they buy their nifty super-gadgets. The pages keep turning, and characters we’ve only just been introduced start being killed off or institutionalized. What the hell? By the end of the lengthy slide show, I’m more confused than I started. Who the hell is still alive in this show?

When it’s done, the introduction to the current characters is at best incomplete. You’re in for another long introduction to the “heroes” who are still around. They spend their time bitter and moping or wistful about a times past. And to make things even better (and by better, I mean much worse), almost none of them are active in any sort of heroism. Not only that, as characters, they are completely devoid of any of the altrusim and idealism you expect from even the most flawed heroic characters. Well before any real action takes place in the movie (aside from a fight with “The Comedian” early on), I came to the realization that I just don’t care about any of these characters, and hope that they meet the same fate as the Comedian. Sadly, even this wish is not granted.

The only character I came moderately close to liking was Rorschach. He was the only character who actually did anything for the first half of the movie. But soon, even he started to irritate me. His lengthy meandering bitter monologues, made me want to shout at the screen, “Shut the F*ck up already! We get it, you’re disturbed, dark and angry!” Thank god even this was inconsistent, Rorschach’s narratives were like much of the movie, just randomly placed and useless.

Dr. Manhattan, the only character with actual superpowers was completely unable to rescue this flop of a movie. And it’s clear from his long-awaited appearances in the movie that he didn’t much care either. He’d far rather look down his nose at humanity while doing some incredibly cliche hovering meditating on Mars. It’s just a shame he didn’t stay there, it really would not have made a bit of difference if he had.

The final insult was the end of the movie. My wife, who is still bitter that I brought her along, was nearly vomiting at the forced melodrama and complete ridiculousness of the premise. (Her tastes in movies are much more refined than mine, and this blow may send us to marital counseling.) I really didn’t care that many major cities around the world were obliterated. This Watchmen reality sucks, it’s just a shame the whole planet wasn’t blown to bits, ala Star Wars. What annoys me is that Rorschach was obliterated for sticking to his principles and the villain is embraced by the remaining super-zeros in an intelligence-insulting ends-justify-the-means rationalization. My guess is their next super-deed will be to enforce Eugenics and Euthanasia on people older than 50.

My guess is that the people who dropped this steaming, fly-covered pile of film on the public think they’ve authored a dark, complex masterpiece that imparts knowledge and inspires thought. I hate to break it to them, what this is is an adolescent, self-absorbed, meandering monstrosity. The only lesson to take from this nearly three hours of pain is that never hurts to read movie reviews before you part with ten bucks.

So to answer the question posed so many times in the movie by graphiti, who watches the Watchmen? People who have just been ripped off, that’s who. If this review gets to you in time, I’ve done my own bit of heroism in saving you ten bucks.

What do you think? Have you seen this movie? I’m curious if people who were already fans of The Watchmen comic book found it a more enjoyable experience than I did.

I! Am! Megatron!

In the vein of all movie previews these days, I find it important to shout each word of my proclamations in the most dramatic, angst-filled, spittle-rattling way possible. Thanks for that 300.

Especially things as ridiculous as this:


I AM
68%
MEGATRON

Take the Transformers Quiz

So go take the test, and come back here and either join me in destroying all Autobots, or to receive a vicious cinematic beating, as appropriate for your test results.

I wonder just how much more Megatron I would be if I had preferred to own oil-rich Iran over an iPhone. I guess I’ll be able to have both once I deal with that pesky Optimus Prime. I’ll have to watch that Transformers movie again to see how it all plays out. I have a good feeling it will work out in my favor this time.

But back on the topic of 300, am I the only one that’s noticed a number of blatant, high profile rip-offs of the iconic “This is Sparta” scream? I’m not talking about the many lolcats (or, uh, lolbritneys) based on the still, or the fantastic photoshop work over at fark (which has disappeared). It’s enough now that it’s a cliche. A really, really bad one. And until I saw the recent trailers for the new movie Doomsday, I thought a dead one. With any luck, a little time in the shame spotlight will prevent this become a full on Hollywood outbreak.

Brian’s Scream-opedia of Rip-Offs
Apologies in advance for longish clips. (Hey, finding better ones would have actually required some effort!)

300: The original manly roar. Don’t try this at home. Please don’t. Please!

Beowulf: Good movie, but painfully obvious rip-off. (Scene of the crime at around 1:29.)

Doomsday: Wow, don’t you guys think you missed the whole scream-a-phrase trend by, what, a year? (Cheap rip-off at 1:26.)

Am I missing any? Do let me know!

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Your NetFlix Fix: Another Free Month of NetFlix Up For Grabs!

Sign up for a free month, and you too will happily strum your guitar!Based on the positive response and good volume of traffic to the last time I did this, I’m putting it up again. NetFlix has sent me four free trial month cards, and they’re up for grabs for anyone who’s interested! As before, I don’t know if these codes are reusable (I assume they are) and I don’t get anything in return for passing these out. Well, aside from a little bit of traffic, and maybe a few new readers. And that works for me.

So here’s your NetFlix Fix:

You need to go here to sign up. (http://www.netflix.com/tellafriend in case the link doesn’t work for some reason.)

And you need to use one of the following codes:

  • M74162026215
  • M57814578885
  • M41920954495
  • M37078264715

You have until October 31, 2007 to get your fix. Enjoy!

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Boycott Bullshit: No Cigars Means No Smoking!

Happy Shootin’ DudeThe sometimes loved, sometimes loathed angry, irritable Brian returns today to discuss an issue that’s bothered him for a while now: Bullshit smoking policies. In particular, a policy that both wastes your time and insults you with surprising efficiency.

As I’m beginning this post, I’m on my third attempt at getting lunch. The previous two establishments I’ve tried failed a very simple test and have officially been added to Brian’s Bullshit Boycott list. That’s right, I sick of this ridiculous crap, and I’m not gonna sit idly by and let the anti-cigar bigots continue to operate in ignorance under the radar.

Who’s on the list and how did they get there, you ask? I’ll tell you. And I’m naming names and pulling no punches. I’ve spotted bullshit and and I’m calling the bullshitters out on it. They got on my list by failing a simple two question test.

Brian’s Bullshit Detector Test

Question 1: Do you allow smoking?

If they answer no, they pass the test. I support a business’s right to go the non-smoking route. To be honest, there are places I just don’t want to smoke a cigar or smell second hand smoke. (I know, I know, that’s sacrilege. A crime almost worthy excommunication from the world of premium tobacco. I’ll do my “Hail Don Pepin” penance later.) For some reason, a sushi bar comes to mind here. (You thought I was gonna fail ‘em if they said no, huh?)

If the answer is yes, then the follow up question is asked.

Question 2: Do you allow cigar smoking?

If the answer is yes, then they’ve not only passed the test, they’ve probably just been added to my unofficial list of favorite places. However, if the answer here is no, you’ve just detected bullshit.

OK, so you’ve detected something foul in the state of Denmark, now what? Do you walk away? Do you quietly sit down and abide by the rules? Do you kick the unwitting test-taker in the Jimmy? No. (And please don’t assault the wait staff, they don’t make the rules, they only follow them.) Here’s what you do.

How to deal with a bullshit peddler

Step 1: Educate.
Because they’re not yet sure if you’re a customer yet, you have a captive audience. Tell them that cigars are made of exactly the same thing as cigarettes. In fact, it’s made of fewer things. And cigar tobacco has been aged to reduce the amount of nicotine and other chemicals naturally present in the leaves! (Cigarettes, on the other hand have been processed to increase the amount of nicotine, and contain additives to improve their burn.) Cigars both smell better and release fewer chemicals into the air, making them arguably less of a health hazard. You might be surprised, they might actually agree with you, even though they can do nothing about the policy.

Step 2: Announce your intentions.
Tell them simply, “If you don’t allow cigars, you don’t allow smoking. I cannot support an establishment with such biased and hypocritical policies. I’m taking my business elsewhere. Please pass this along to the management.” Bonus points if you take the time to fill out a comment/complaint form. Doing this makes it more likely that management will actually get your feedback. Kudos to you if you take the time to do it!

Step 3: Leave.
When it comes to the world of commerce, few things speak louder than money. If you continue to patronize a shop with ridiculous and discriminatory smoking polices, you are supporting those policies.

And the Crusader Step: Revisit And Repeat
This step is for true Knights of the Premium Leaf. Brothers of the leaf that want to go above and beyond the call of duty can return to the same establishment in three to six months and repeat the process. You never know, they might change their policies to reflect the feedback they’ve received from cigar smokers, and you might find a new cigar-friendly establishment. If you do, give them your business, and tell them why you’re there! Otherwise, you have the opportunity to strike another blow for cigars and cigar smokers in your community.

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a war in progress. And I’m not talking about Iraq. I’m talking about the war on cigars. This might sound like a tremendous hassle, but if we want to continue to exercise our right to smoke cigars, it’s time we all adjust our dangling man-orbs and make our feelings known the way they’ll be most appreciated. With our wallets. It’s the most powerful weapon we have. (And if you haven’t done it recently, why not head over to the RTDA website and tell your congressman to knock it off with the excessive and punishing cigar tax increase?)

Oh yes, and I said I’d name names. These establishments are the first on the newly created Brian’s Bullshit Boycott list:

  • Taco Mac at Lindberg (Most of them have a stict no-smoking policy, which is fine, but this one allows cigarettes, but no cigars! Bullshit!)
  • Everybody’s Pizza in Virginia Highlands
  • Highland Tap in Virginia Highlands

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Global Warming: Saving The World One Hippie Jamfest At A Time

Hippie Jam Fest, Portuguese StyleFirst it was Bruce Willis. Now it’s the Arctic Monkeys (website). Finally celebrities and musicians are starting to make sense. It’s scary. What the heck am I talking about? I’m talking about a growing number of famous folk that finally realize that celebrity does not equal an advanced degree in medical science. Or political science. Or climatology. It’s the “I only play one on TV” concept that was once obvious to everyone, but in recent years has become uncommon sense.

In a recent article, Matt Helders, the drummer for the Arctic Monkeys had this to say when asked for his news-worthy thoughts on Global Warming / Climate Change / Honey-I-think-the-thermometer’s-broken:

“There’s more important people who can have an opinion. Why does it make us have an opinion because we’re in a band?”

A-fricken-men, Mr. Helders! There are more important people who can and do have an opinion. An opinion based on careful research. They’re called scientists. I don’t mean to diminish you in the slightest as a musician or a person (I really do like “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor”). I just want to say I love it that you choose to focus on your abilities on creating catchy tunes, where they’re best suited. And while you do that, I’ll focus on programming websites for security firms, insurance companies and banks, because that’s what I do. And you know what? The scientific community will be OK diagnosing and resolving the problems that arise in their sphere of expertise. Remarkably well, even without our considered opinions.

That quote alone makes the article worth reading. But it gets even better. He also points out the irony and hypocrisy of the Live Earth concerts that keeps his band from attending:

“It’s a bit patronising for us 21 year olds to try to start to change the world… Especially when we’re using enough power for 10 houses just for (stage) lighting. It’d be a bit hypocritical,” he [Matt Helders] told AFP in an interview before a concert in Paris.

Bass player Nick O’Malley chimes in: “And we’re always jetting off on aeroplanes!”

Yep, it’s a massive concert series promoting, among other things, reduced consumption of power and resources. Featuring some of the largest power consumers on the planet. Of course, the this particular concert, according to the website will implement “Green Guidelines”, but will those musicians commit to following the same guidelines in their future concerts? And you’re telling me all the people attending the concerts get there by bike or bus? That green is starting to turn a little brown if you ask me.

Call me cynical, but I don’t see the point to this concert. Like the massive hippie jam festival in the classic South Park “Die, Hippie, Die” episode (see partial clip below), it’s a great excuse for people to get together, drink, smoke, socialize and listen to music, but it what exactly does that accomplish? (I’m not saying any of those activities are bad, mind you!) It’s not spreading awareness, hell, you can’t turn on the TV or radio without hearing heated debate on Global Warming. Every time something even slightly unusual happens with the weather these days, somebody brings up Global Warming. If anything, it’s diluting awareness. People like me are already tuning out on the subject.


“Let’s have, like, a week long music festival. Draw everyone here and then together we can tear it all down.” (6:30)

The beautiful deceit of the whole thing is, musicians continue to do what they were doing already (playing music at concerts and scoring with groupies) but now suddenly they get automatic kudos for “trying” to save the planet. (From a marketing stand point, its pure genius.) Well if that’s all it takes to save the planet, I call a Live Earth Bender! It’ll take place the last week of August, and I encourage everyone to go out and get plowed for a week. (Yep, I was already gonna do that on my previously mentioned road trip, but hey, now I’m spreading awareness, man! Instant Karma!)

OK, I hope nobody reads this as a Global-Warming-is-bunk post. I have my doubts, but I think it’s smart to hedge our bets and take the greener path whenever practical. (I hate fluorescent lights, but we’re using the compact fluorescents at home. The sacrifices I make… ;) ) And that’s about as far as I’m going on it. I’m not interested in debating the topic, it’s too much like politics now. And politics is one of the three forbidden subjects for this blog. (Religion and the Great Pumpkin are the other two.) And as I mentioned earlier, I’m just apathetic.

However, you might not be. Being the fantastic blogger I am, I anticipated that possibility. So if you are interested in an extremely well-reasoned discussion of the topic, I invite you check out Scott Adam’s four-part Global Warming mini-series on the Dilbert Blog (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4). As apathetic as I am on the topic, I even found it interesting. You may not agree with his conclusions, but you have to give him kudos for a very fair, thorough handling of the subject.

I guess it goes with out saying that Matt Helders is one cool monkey. :D

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Florida Apartment Leasing Agent Fired For Saving Woman’s Life

WTF?Wow, talk about a disconnect between movies and television from real life. According to a story (also here) that’s been all over the radio this morning, a man “brandishing” a shotgun saved a womans life and was rewarded for his efforts by being fired from his job.

His name is Colin Bruley (random aside: it’s hard to say that without thinking about Fight Club), and he lived and worked as a leasing agent for the Oaks at Mill Creek apartment complex in Jacksonville, Florida. He heard a woman screaming in the middle of the night. Instead of covering his head with a pillow, he grabbed one of his hunting guns and ran outside, to find a woman named Tonnetta Lee with a gunshot wound. Apparently he never used the gun, instead he spent his time giving first aid to the injured woman.

And here’s the punchline: He was fired for “Gross Misconduct”. From one article:

“Colin demonstrated extremely poor judgment in responding to this situation,” the complaint said. “Colin’s failure to immediately report this incident … could have serious ramifications to the property, its associates and residents.”

No matter what your opinion is regarding guns, compare this story with any action movie or television show you’ve seen in the last couple of years. This guy would clearly be the hero of the story, a regular John McClane or Jack Bauer, and the corporation owning the apartment complex (Village Green Companies) would clearly be the villian.

In reality, Colin Bruley is now out of work and out of home and getting little attention from the national media (just try searching for his name on Google News). And Village Green Companies has no comment. Well, I don’t care, Colin Bruley is a hero in my book, hopefully he will be in yours too.

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Oh Boy! Stars: They’re Just Like Us! (Who Cares?)

Why God, why do people waste synapse power on celebrities?Yesterday was a first. The first time I ever cracked open a US Weakly Weekly magazine in my whole life. Somebody left one laying on the floor of the stall in the men’s room. (I think whoever left it there missed their target by about a foot.) Being the adventurous sort, and having time to burn, I flipped it open.

The first thing I saw was several pages of famous woman vs. other famous woman wearing the same gown. The question, in clown-sized crooked font on every page was, “who wore it best”? I’ll spare you the specifics, because what it really boiled down to who had the nicest rack and shapeliest backside. And if neither had either, whoever had the best bone-definition won the day. Of course extra points were awarded to contestants who found a way to reveal more airbrushed skin than their opponent. Fascinating. Absolutely worth $3.49. (Coincidentally, I got a offer in the mail yesterday for another magazine that focuses purely on this sort of figure comparative-analysis for only a dollar an issue. A buck an issue! A steal, you say. You may have heard of it, it’s called Playboy.)

OK, so a bit pointless so far, but not yet annoying enough to stop. Well, I didn’t make it much further through the magazine before I hurled it down in disgust. The next several pages were pictures of famous people doing the mundane things that everybody else does all the time. A gnarled, weathered looking Ricky Schroder pushing a shopping cart. A platform shoe-elevated Eva Longoria buying junk food from a street vendor. Josh Hartnett sporting a serial killer mustache as he jogs under a rain cloud of his own sweat. And of course, it isn’t a story, without the right headline. (That is if a collection of pictures with a single sentence apiece can be considered a “story”.) And that scarce text gem was “Stars- They’re Just Like US!”

Well, no shit. Which is exactly why I don’t see the point of this magazine. I almost think they’re having a joke at their reader’s expense with this. Perhaps thinking “Ha Ha! Just look what you paid us for! Nothing! Who’s your daddy!” I really hope that’s what’s going through the editors mind even now, as he lights up a cigar and has a hearty laugh. Because I can get behind that kind of evil. But I have my doubts. In reality, I’ll bet the editor is probably an aging baby-boomer with a surgically-stretched face who is actually proud of this “article” and is deeply concerned about what Eva Longoria buys at a street vendor.

Probably the biggest reason I’ll never pick up this magazine again is that I don’t like seeing pictures of celebrities being unglamorous and normal. I don’t want them humanized. Celebrities work for me. (And you too, probably.) Their only job is to memorize lines and recite them in believable ways that imply sincerity and/or emotion, as applicable. Well, that, and look really good. That’s all I pay them for and that’s all I want. What they do in their spare time is their business. What they think about religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin is also their business. This kind of information just spoils the movie magic. When I’m watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, I don’t want to waste even a synapse on Robert Downey Jr. and his trouble with narcotics. I want to just enjoy the movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate celebrities. Quite the opposite. I like celebrities professionally. Many of them do a fantastic, entertaining job of pretending to be somebody else in movies and TV. And it doesn’t bother me that they make millions doing what they do. I like actors with a good track record of great performances in entertaining movies. Once that track record is established, I’ll probably see any movie or TV program in which they star. But when the credits roll, the relationship is over. The transaction is complete: I’ve paid for my ticket, and you’ve delivered the goods. You’re not entitled give me your opinions on life, the universe and everything, and I’m not entitled to see your intimate moments with a shopping cart. And I love it that way. I wish everybody else did too.

However, if you do happen to be the type that enjoys seeing celebrities fueling their cars and taking out the trash, do I have a deal for you! For a mere twenty-five bucks, I’ll take a picture of myself, wearing a Hollywood disguise (hat and sunglasses- fake nose and mustache extra) doing very boring normal things in my neighborhood and send it to you. Hell, I’ll even autograph it for you! I mean, hey, my blog is literally read all around the world, but at least a dozen people a day. If that doesn’t make me a celebrity, I don’t know what does! But you better act fast, once I start appearing in US Weekly, it’ll be too late! ;)

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The Transformers Trailer You Haven’t Seen

You haven’t seen this preview for the Transformers movie for a couple of reasons. 1.) It’s not part of the move and 2.) It wasn’t made by anybody working on the movie. But don’t let that deter you. Watch this, it’s awesome.

Michael Smith and Joe Mangione Transformers Animation

So what the heck is this then, if it isn’t from the upcoming Transformers movie? It’s the hard work of several people including one Michael Smith who badly wants to get a job with Industrial Lights and Magic (or possibly with the people working on the upcoming movie or any sequels to it). And frankly, after watching the clip above, and this clip on MSN Soapbox, I want him to get that job too.

[UPDATE: Where are my manners? Thanks Scott for the for the heads up on this! If you like these video clips, spread the word and get these guys a job! And consider making a donation to Scott's Team Hanselman and the fight to eliminate diabetes! ]

Want to know more about this guy and his work, check out his website. Or better yet, check out his Transformers page and get the latest word and video clips!

Want to compare Mr. Smith’s (and crew!) Transformers to those in the actual movie? Here’s the trailer for your viewing pleasure:

Transformers Live Action Movie Trailer

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5 Passive-Aggressive Super Heroes (And Baldwin-Tron)

Alec Baldwin on 30 RockOne of the dangers of excessive blogging is that it opens a brain-geyser of random nonsense that doesn’t stop flowing when your head hits the pillow at night. And for me, its often still flowing when I wake up in the morning. Friday morning, as I was trying to get to the office, my brain had fixed on two things. Passive-aggressiveness and super powers.

I think it had something to do with a poll I found online the previous day regarding the virtues of being able to change water to Colt 45 versus the ability to summon the Baldwins to do your bidding. (Please note that Colt 45 is not featured in my parallel universe Irish pub. It is, however, available in the alley behind it.) Apparently my comment was uproariously funny to be accepted by the blog’s owner (I can understand that, I’d hate to draw attention away from his poll with my witty banter).

My thoughts on the matter is that summoning the Baldwin brothers would be a great thing if you call them individually for specific task (“Quickly Alec, that kid’s being a selfish little pig! Use your power of scathing voicemail!“), or all together, if you were shooting a bad action movie. Or a funny, self-deprecating TV show about showbiz. The deal would be made even sweeter if they could all come together to form Baldwin-Tron to fight Godzilla. Or the Decepticons.

Anyway, back to passive-aggressiveness and super powers. Combining the two, I’ve compiled a list of likely super heroes/villains that you should watch out for:

The Tire Flattener
This super hero has the ability to flatten all the tires of any car improperly or illegally parked. Meaning that if your tire is touching a yellow stripe or your bumper is resting over a handy capped pavement graphic, one glare from this irate super hero will have you calling a tow truck.

However the Tire Flattener is powerless against a properly parked vehicle. And traveling vehicles, for that matter. And angry assholes toting tire-irons who park improperly, but are able to put two and two together. One evening the Flattener will himself be flattened and found laying in the tracks of a monster-jacked-up truck in his own lawn.

The Eavesdropper
The Eavesdropper could be friend or could be foe, but will always be a pain in the ass. He has the ability to hear past dialog by standing in the same place as the person who spoke earlier. The challenge here is that people rarely stand still while talking, which means this guy has to play charades with himself to get the full scoop. This leads the Eavesdropper to perform no end of ridiculous activities. Alone. And sometimes in office supply closet.

The thing that keeps this villain from achieving levels of greatness in the corporate world is that everybody hates a gossip, especially one with a quiver full of daggers with everyone’s name on them. They have the uncanny natural ability to alienate. Combine this with his weird antics alone in the board room and supply closet, he’s destined for short flight to the sidewalk outside the company’s front door. But not before he spills the beans to everyone on Peggy and Bill’s forbidden office affair, outs Tom in accounting, and gets you fired for toilet papering the boss’s car. (Hey, if you wanted to get away with it, you shouldn’t have had that whispered conversation in the conference room.)

The Trash Teleporter
This cranky office laborer is annoyed by other people’s messes. And when her rage builds to the point that blood vessels tango on her forehead, she assumes the power to beam a heap of garbage directly onto the pillow of the offending party.

The good news is that her secret power is never wrong. The bad news is that she never gets the satisfaction of seeing the look on the slob’s face when he finds the balled-up, half-used stack of paper towels he threw on the break room floor on his bed after a hard day of being a messy prick. This lack of closure will ultimately lead to her succumbing to a massive heart attack, but not before doubling the price of Bed Bath and Beyond stock. (You know, ‘cuz they sell bedding. Get it? No? Well, your blog isn’t funny either. I’m kidding. I love you blog. Really. It’s the only one for me.)

The Tear Jerker
This jerk is able to summon ambient moisture in the atmosphere and direct it into a persons eyes and throat, making them appear to be totally losing it. Though he will use this in meetings to emasculate his competitors for the open position in upper management, this bastard prefers to use his power on underlings in public. The combination of uncontrollable sobbing of a coworker with the heavy pepper of his ridicule in a public setting is his caviar.

Though more deserving than most super villains to be defeated utterly (but as passive aggressively as possible), this ass will continue to thrive well into old age. Ultimately, he will make it to the top of several large corporations, pillaging them one by one, screwing shareholders and employees alike by expensing luxurious personal vacations in the French Riviera and acquiring other poorly-managed irrelevant businesses so he can get their product for free.

His only weakness is unbalanced, unrealistically beautiful women. He will realize this flaw only moments before one shoots him aboard the “corporate” yacht at the ripe old age of 89. His power will be useless, because this synthetic beauty will already be crying, and likely on a nearly lethal combination of pain killers and antidepressants. Hey, it was a good run, jerk.

The Petard Hoister
This villain has the magical ability to steer people toward courses of thought, speech and action that ultimately result in them being “hoist on their own petard.” He has a supernatural talent for drawing out people’s natural inclination to try to screw the him, and even boasts the ability to cultivate the desire when none previously existed. In short, the Petard Hoister is a bastard.

Though the source of numerous career suicides, untimely deaths involving explosives and computer mice and two freak car accidents, the Petard Hoister is truly untouchable. And by virtue of the inherent convolution of his power, he is likely to remain that way, at least until his backfire backfires. Until then he lurks as a consultant I.T. world, and blogs in his spare time about passive-aggressive super heroes.


Having achieved the necessary volume of narcissism required on a per-post basis by this blog, we draw our super hero list to a close. Be safe out there, and clean up after yourselves. Feel free to use these ideas in this post for a summer movie blockbuster. All I ask is that I’m listed in the credits as “executive production stallion”. And a million bucks. And merchandising. I really don’t think that’s asking too much.

And careful about those mean thoughts you have about me, they’re not good for you. :)

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Reynaldo Ojeda, The One-Legged Salsa Dancer

In my on going quest to make up the finest premium content for my loyal readers (or accidentally stumble on something I can steal), I search the internet far and wide. I read many articles and blogs, and I watch countless hours of piano playing cats on YouTube. And it’s all because I have such a platonic crush on my readers.

But before this post fully shifts from cheesy to downright peeking-through-your-bedroom-window creepy, I’d like to introduce you to my latest YouTube gem. His name Reynaldo Ojeda and he salsa dances like a pro. A pro with only one leg. Prepare to have your mind blown and your bi-pedal lower half shaken…

I’m all about sequels. So let’s do that again. This time, how about we do it in a wild gold suit. And lets throw in a lot of Spanish talking that my readers won’t understand. And… action!

In case you can’t understand the news reporters in the second video, my sources say they said “Ha! Ha! You’ve been serrrrved!” (I don’t know what the heck they’re talking about, I’m still waiting for my beer. :lol: )

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