A Letter To Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin on 30 RockAlec, Alec. The thing that concerns me about this voicemail you left for your daughter isn’t that you gave her a heated lecture. I agree with Bill Maher, kids are too cottled today and need a stern talking to at the very least (especially if no other form of discipline is involved). It also isn’t that you called her a rude little pig. Maybe it was a bit harsh, but then again maybe she is. What bugs me about the thing is that you keep telling her about how she’s “making you feel” and all the bad things she’s doing to you. Don’t you know anything about kids? Those injuries are trophies for spoiled adolescent children. Not to mention all the man-cred you lost with your fans.

At this point, your relationship with your daughter is blown. You have to accept that now before too much more time is lost. If you continue down this path, it’ll always be crap. Embarrassing Entertainment Tonight crap. However, you now have the ability to grab the still available roll of “cool uncle”, but you have to act fast and decisively. You need to turn the tables. Stop taking her calls and stop making calls. Give full custody over to your ex-wife. Don’t ever again lose your cool in public. (And for god sake, no more apologies or discussion on the matter.) Go live one hell of a great, news worthy life, peppered with attractive women and swanky parties in exotic locales, immediately. Nothing is more attractive to other people than a happy, exciting life. And you need that attraction bad right now.

After a while a you will start getting calls from your daughter. Believe me. You absolutely will; she’s a celebrity child, and she’ll want things that mommy won’t want to give her. (Mom will start to think she’s been had and be envious of your fancy-free ways. She’ll encourage your daughter to come to you for more stuff.) Be cool. Take every 3rd call, and turn down most opportunities to meet up, but when you finally do, give her those trinkets mom won’t let her have. Make a point of having a great time. She’ll remember that the next time she and her mother fight. And when that happens, blammo, you’re the cool uncle. Who just happens to be her dad. Bonus.

I won’t lie to you, this will take a least few years. But you’re an award winning actor, I know you can pull this off.

I’m not telling you this because I want to become your friend. I think you and I have a perfect relationship right now: You act out quirky, funny parts in TV and movies and I watch them and chuckle. I’d really hate for our thing to all be ruined by a spoiled child.

Also to put your concerns to rest, my qualifications for this diagnosis are solid. I write a blog in my spare time and I write code for a living. And I thought you were great in that casino movie with William H. Macy. 30 Rock is pretty funny too.

No need to thank me. When I start seeing news footage of you at crazy parties with hot women on each arm, I’ll know you got my note. (Ok, you can buy me a box of cigars, since you insist.)

[UPDATE: Wow, if you search Google for “Alec Baldwin Letter” this post is the first result! To my knowledge, that’s the first time I’ve ever been the first search result for anything on Google! 🙂 ]

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