If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you probably remember the post 12 Undead Fashion Atrocities. It was a delightfully ridiculous little post that was inspired by jet lag and general travel irritants during my last get-away. It also happens have the dubious distinction of generating a huge amount of search traffic for this blog on a day-to-day basis.
Well, this morning, the 13th atrocity reared it’s ugly head and bit me square in the eyeballs. It’s so shocking and scary that it deserves it’s own post and the distinction of being unlucky number 13. It’s both reminiscent of the undead, and is a serious threat to the health the offending party. (Which is kinda unlucky, don’t you think? Kinda like 13?) You have the visual clues, have you guessed what it is yet?
13.) Size Zero, Scrawny, Starved, Twiggy People. Why? Because sickness and starvation is not hot. Rib cages are structural supports, they shouldn’t be shown off unless you’re a medical school cadaver. The advice “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” wasn’t intended to be a portion prescription. I hate to be the one to inform Cate Blanchett, but the role of Famous Bag o’ Bones is already filled by Calista Flockheart. Sorry, there was only one position to be filled, and we’re thinking about eliminating that spot. But you can check back with us in about 40 years and see where we are then.
Fortunately, this atrocity can be easily fixed with generous applications of bacon cheeseburgers and Guinness (or Vegemite sandwiches and Victoria Bitter, since she’s Australian). If I weren’t already fully invested in other charitable things, I’d spearhead the “Overeat to help stamp out fashionable starvation” campaign. Anybody wanna take this one on?
And because I’m a giving kind of guy, here’s a bonus atrocity, just for you:
14.) Heroin Eyes. The only reason you should have have dark sunken eyes is if you really are on smack or you’re a raccoon. Or you’re a raccoon on smack. (If you are strung out raccoon, shouldn’t you be digging through Courtney Love‘s garbage for used needles instead of reading my blog?) Because, as I pointed out in in #13, sickness and starvation is not hot. Sure heroin is probably responsible for half the decent music of the 1990’s, but I can’t think of a single good thing that ever came from excessive eyeliner.