The Greatest Charity Event Ever

Leering Grafiti PunkI wish I could take credit for the idea, but I can’t. Hell, I wish I could say I was even in attendance, but again, I cannot. But on Monday, I was made aware of the single greatest charity event I’ve ever heard of. The kind of charitable event that cannot help but be monstrously successful. The kind of event that not only could fund the entire operating costs of the American Cancer Society for a decade, but might actually cure the cancer of people that attend the event. What is this charitable event I speak of? Coed Charitable Mud Wrestling.

Surely I’m joking right? Nope. Somewhere in Atlanta this past weekend, a pool was filled with mud, and a small collection of women studying to become pharmacists (and a few bar tenders and waitresses) got together to raise awareness for breast cancer. By beating each other up in mud. And the best part? My friend who was in attendance, thought that he was being charitable.

The exchange was classic (paraphrased here for your reading enjoyment):

Friend: I gotta tell you this. Man, I saw these girls mud wrestle this weekend. It was great, and it was for a good cause. They raised, like, $1000 for breast cancer.
Me: Really? How’d that work? I does sound like it would raise some awareness…
Friend: Well, they charged $15 to get in, and it was $2 a beer from the keg.
Me: And you say this was for a charity?
Friend: Yeah, they raised $1000 to fight breast cancer.
Me: So how much did you give?
Friend: Well, I paid the door fee and paid for each beer…
Me: That was awfully charitable of you.
Friend: But I did pay extra for the beers… And I drank a lot of beer.
Me: Well that’s good. You were, after all, drinking for charity.
Friend (flustered): Um… yeah…
Me: It’s really a noble thing you did, sacrificing your Sunday afternoon to watch mud wrestling and drink beer… For charity.
Friend (busted!): Uncomfortable Laugh.

Of course, I went on to tell him that I was disappointed he didn’t invite me. I’m a pretty charitable guy myself, and would have been happy to sacrifice my Sunday afternoon if I knew it was really going to help people. Or if there happened to be a keg and mud wrestling.

But I stray from my point. Is this not the most amazing fund raising idea ever? If a small group of guys from Atlanta can get together and raise their blood-alcohol levels and $1000 for charity, think of the possibilities on a large scale! The end to world hunger might only be a couple of muddy city-wide weekend benders away! And instead of men staggering home to angry wives at the end of the evening, they could stagger home as heroes. Heroes who were willing to spend their pocket change and part of their liver function to help others.

I think I’m gonna start a foundation. Who’s with me?

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