When Simple, Single Purpose Tools Fail You

You get pissed off. You mistreat the things on your desk. You close the door to your office so you can swear more loudly. And you sure as hell give that quirky optical mouse a reason to jump up to right corner of your screen. And eventually, you visualize beating the figurehead of the company responsible for the tool nearly to death with his own defective device. Or an umbrella. Or perhaps you don’t. Perhaps you drink decaf and are in bed by 8:30.

I won’t tell you which style I prefer, but I will tell you that I’m never in bed by 8:30 and I don’t drink decaf. And very simple, single purpose tools are failing me today, left and right. For no good reason. And I’m tired of teaching my quirky optical mouse a lesson. He doesn’t seem to learn, and he should have a Ph.D. by now. And its hardly fair to imagine pummeling Bill Gates when you’re writing Java with open source tools. You just can’t blame the guy for the things his competitors do, no matter how hard you try.

So with my productivity officially shot for the day, I seek solace in ridiculous quizzes on the internet to tell me things that I didn’t know about myself. Things like, what will my last words be:

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

“So, you’re a cannibal.”

I can buy that. It’s got a certain implied Indiana Jones quality that seems very applicable to my current career of I.T. consulting. I am, after all, great with a whip.

Here’s a list of equally possible final words I might say.

  • Bubble, bubble-bubble, bubble bubble-bubble-bubble. (In the unlikely case of a water landing.)
  • Hey, you said you weren’t married!
  • Honey, I just got another box of cigars in the mail!
  • Dude, check this out. (Alternately, “Hey, lemme try that.“)
  • Is this “Bankhead Highway“?
  • Aw, dammit. (This is probably the most likely, especially if I see it coming.)
  • You will find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh
  • *Huff* *Puff* *Huff* *Puff* (Either running up stairs, or from angry indigenous peoples with a priceless artifact.)

So to sum up: Simple tool breakage causes anger, asinine online test-taking, silly speculation on your own mortality and delusions of grandeur. Be prepared, bookmark some online quizzes now, you never know when you’ll need them. No need to thank me now, I’ll assume the check is in the mail.

What, you were expecting some profound conclusion? The best I can do today is a Simpson’s quote. (I’m still nearly incoherent from inhaling 700 miles of Georgia and Florida.)

“It’s true… I’m a rageaholic! I just can’t live without rageahol!” — Homer Simpson

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  1. babychaos said,

    May 24, 2007 at 6:37 am

    Well, you saw my post yesterday so you know I’m a fellow rageaholic – want to come to a rageaholics anonymous meeting with me!



  2. Brian said,

    May 24, 2007 at 9:56 am

    I can quit whenever I want, I just don’t want to! 😀

    Mmmm… Rageahol…


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