The Yellow Dust of Despair Approaches

Happy Shootin’ DudeWith only few short hours to go before almost certain indulgence in green beer, I felt it coming. Coming fast. Like a horse of the apocalypse with a burr under it’s saddle, that wait-a-second-I-feel-funny feeling. Within an hour of that first throat-tickle blossomed into a full fledged head cold. I’m famous for catching a bug on a holiday, but man that was fast. And the holiday wasn’t even a very big one. Thanskgiving? Sure. St. Patrick’s Day? Really?

That first day I wasn’t in a state to question the strangeness of my ailment. I was too busy just fighting the symptoms. And by fighting, I mean I was riding the green waves of Nyquil and talking to myself under the influence of “non drowsy formula” Sudafed. It wasn’t until the clouds of medication broke for a moment that I became aware of what was really going on.

My wife and I were off on an errand. As we drove down one nicely treed road, my wife commented on how pretty the trees were. I returned from green sea for a moment to say comment that they did look really nice. All covered with white flowers. Wait a minute. The trees! The damn trees are flowering!

When we got to our destination I yanked my Crackberry out of it’s holster and punched in the weather channel website. What I saw wasn’t pretty. It looked a little like this:

The Fearful Forcast

I swear I didn’t edit that graphic. Too much.

At this point, you probably don’t know what the big deal is. I didn’t either before I spent a year in the area. This sudden blast of reproductive dust is just the opening act. Looking back through the archives, it was just about this time last year that the yellow blizzard hit us. It coats everything. Lungs, cars, small woodland critters, big woodland critters. You name it. It forms sand bars on the road along the curb and permanently tints all carpeting everywhere. It’s evil. And it results in… more promiscuous trees!

Pollen On Da Hood
Half a day’s accumulation of happy powder on a car’s hood.

It’s a very good time to get out town. But I fear it’s too late! Those damn slutty trees.

(I take no responsibility for this post. I’m outta my head on Sudafed right now.)

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  1. Tiffany said,

    March 21, 2008 at 10:01 am

    It’s never too late! Come visit California! 😀

  2. March 21, 2008 at 10:55 am

    LOL. So true. I have to use the washer fluid in the mornings just so I can see out of my windshield. What’s really funny is that my wife never knew what pollen was. After I told her, she said “that’s sick!”

    I’m glad I make enough now to make occasional visits to the auto car wash. The “Natural Khaki” (it’s actually a greenish color) paint of my Sonata camouflages the pollen pretty well, but when it comes pollen storm time, it starts to become visible. So, I’ll be able to regularly wash it off.

  3. Brian said,

    March 21, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    It’s tempting, Tiffany. Though I’m thinking a bit further north: the southern Oregon coast.

    And it looks terrible when you clean your windows. You get little yellow trails down the side of your car. It’s no wonder there’s so many car wash places around here.

    Man, I would have love to have been there when you broke the pollen news to your wife! LOL

  4. Tom said,

    March 23, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    I hear ya. Here in FL it’s the same bs. On top of the allergies… Earlier in the month I caught the black death (Flu). Then Ed got it. There went the cigar reviews for most of the month, because I am too noobish to do them by myself.

    Luckily, Ed and I are smoking again. Our first smoke post flu – a guy ran into the shop next to Ed’s place, smashed a glass display, and slit his own throat ear to ear with a shard. A few weeks earlier, a dead couple was found out back burned and shot. Maybe we are handing out in the wrong places…

  5. Tom said,

    March 23, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    Uh… I mean “Hanging out at the wrong places.” Dur…

  6. Brian said,

    March 24, 2008 at 11:47 am

    Hey Tom,
    Yeah, I’m still struggling a bit with the allergies, but I’m soldiering on, because there are cigars to smoke and review!

    Wow, you really have quite the scene there. The crime scene that is. Hey but think of it this way, the odds are really in your favor now! I mean, the odds for anybody else dying around there is statistically unlikely, considering how much has happened already! I’d say you’re safe for at least 6 months. After that, you might want to start packing heat. Or a really large sparkly machete. (The long blade might go best with the long hair.)

  7. Tom said,

    March 26, 2008 at 5:21 am

    I think Ed already took idea #1. Mess with him and you swim with the fishes 😉

  8. James said,

    April 3, 2008 at 8:51 am

    A little tree sperm never hurt anybody.. 🙂

  9. Brian said,

    April 5, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    When you put it that way… uh… *HURL* *cough cough cough* Ahem. That about sums up my response.

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